Mindset

Sometimes I feel like there’s so much opportunity in the world. There’s so much time to get things done. I am capable of a huge amount of things. It’s literally there for the taking.

But, that’s like 5-10% of the time. In fact, it almost surprises me when I feel like that. It sort of comes from nowhere, and I know it’s going to disappear soon.

The rest of the time is either feeling neutral or self doubt. Who am I to have these ambitious feelings? Why do I deserve or have what it takes to do something special? I’m just one person out of billions in this world.

I’ve been in C level leadership roles for over 10 years feeling like this. I’ve helped transform companies and teams feeling like this. I’ve coached Executives feeling like this. I created a business from scratch that did over $1M annual revenue feeling like this.

As you can see, I don’t let it paralyse me. Momentum usually shoves me forward. Either that, or I drag myself forward – one way or the other. I fake it when it’s needed. But, man, does it feel like the handbrake is on at times. It’s exhausting. Even though I don’t let it paralyse me, it does hold me back at times.

I swear, I’ll never stop trying to be more confident. I’ll read and listen to anything on mindset I can get my hands on. Find people who cracked the code and learn what helped them. Learn techniques to turn crappy thinking and bad energy into confidence and optimism. Surround myself with people who inspire me and lift me up. Whatever it takes to get that percentage up.

I mean, it’s that or give up right? There’s no choice there. 

I wonder how many people feel like this? I suspect that even the most confident people feel like this sometimes. Just less. And maybe by default they have a better set of tools to cope with these feelings and nip things in the bud.

On that note, here is a list of things that have helped me. Maybe they’re useful to you.

• Be active, every day. It’s a complete mood shifter. When I go through periods of being inactive, I struggle with self doubt more.

• Sleep enough. Track it. Seven hours is a good number to shoot for. Below six is bad. When I run into a few days of poor sleep, things get harder.

• Consider your relationship with alcohol. At least for me, I had to cut it out of my life. 

• Surround yourself with people (in real life and online) who are confident and optimistic. When I’m around people like this, it keeps me on the right side of things. I have fewer self belief episodes and I work my way out of them quicker.

• Figure out what self care works for you. Set yourself some rules and do your best to be consistent with them.

• Notice when you’re starting to get stuck in a negative loop. The earlier you spot it, the better. As soon as you find yourself there, do something to interrupt it as quickly as you can. That can be movement, getting outside, taking some deep breaths, a mantra, meditation – fill in the blank. Whatever works for you.

• Try and take yourself less seriously. Life is short. Most of the bad stories we make up in our heads are grossly exaggerated. And they usually aren’t the most important things anyway. Health, family, friends and experiences are all more important than success, work, and money (at least for me). Remind yourself of what’s truly important, and things get easier. 

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About 18 months ago, I faced a cold, hard truth about myself – my mindset was holding me back.

I had this moment where it really clicked for me – this can’t go on. If I didn’t address it, I would be left with some serious regrets in life.

Since then, I’ve made working on my mindset one of my highest priorities. I’ve tried a lot of things, including all of the usual advice. I’ve taken courses, read books, done exercises and talked to a therapist. Sure, they helped lift me in the moment, but if I’m brutally honest – they didn’t make a lasting difference.

And that sort of led me to a depressing conclusion. Perhaps I’m hardwired to having this type of mindset? Luckily, I can’t accept that. Even so, I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think that from time to time.

I’m in absolute awe of people like Jesse Itzler and Gary Vaynerchuk. They are full of optimism and confidence. But, I suspect this comes naturally to them. I struggle to see how I can reach anywhere near their level of confidence and mental toughness. I’ve come to realise that I will probably always have periods where I feel high, and periods where I feel low.

What I found instead, is a few strategies that really, really helped me improve and manage my mindset. They have helped me have more self awareness, and better manage the highs and lows. I may never have the confidence and mental toughness of Gary Vee. But, that doesn’t mean I need to accept that my mindset will hold me back from reaching my potential.

Before I share these strategies, I want to give a bit of background so you can understand where I am coming from.

I suffer with self doubt and anxiety, and I go through periods where I feel low, and it’s a real struggle to be optimistic.

I like to think I’m an organised and effective person. I’m very clear about what’s important to me, and I know how to get stuff done. But, my fragile mindset means I’m working with a very shaky foundation. It can blow apart my organised and productive world in an instant.

At times, I can feel on top of the world. When I feel like this, I am SO sure of my capability. I want to 10X my life, and I know it’s totally possible.

And then in a flash, it can come tumbling down.

One trigger can be seeing someone working hard in a low paying job. How on earth is that fair? Who am I to be in such a privileged position to be able to do big and interesting things, and get paid well for it? I get caught in a rut of imposter self talk, and I question the point in everything.

Another trigger can be something not going well enough at work (usually based on the ridiculously high expectations I have of myself). I start to question the point of me even being there? Surely there is someone else out there that could have done better, and should be doing my job instead?

Now, to be clear – I do always pull myself out of these moments. Sometimes I get back on track very quickly, but other times it takes days or weeks. But, I always do pull myself back on track. But goddammit, my life would be so much easier if I wasn’t pulled back by my mindset. I would do so many more great things.

So, as I said, I made working on my mindset a priority. It’s now one of a handful of key areas of my life I focus on – often the highest priority. I’ve established a few key questions that I ask myself at least weekly:

• Am I developing an optimistic and positive mindset – where I see life as full of opportunity?
• Am I pushing myself to feel confident and good enough? Where I feel capable of doing whatever I put my mind to?
• Am I questioning beliefs that hold me back, and trying to overcome them?

These questions have helped me stay focused on improving my mindset.
So, let’s dive into the strategies. Here are three strategies that help me to feel good, and stay in the ‘high’ periods for as long as possible:

Look after myself

OK, OK, I know you’ve probably heard this before – as had I. But, for a long while it didn’t click for me just how important this. It only hit home when I started to notice the correlation between when I looked after myself, and when I didn’t.

It comes down to three things:

• Drink very little or no alcohol.
• Get enough sleep.
• Exercise.

When I do all three, I tend to feel great about myself. And when I let at least two of them slip, I notice an immediate increase in anxiety and self doubt. This is a clear starting signal for a low period.

And of course, they are all connected. Drink too much alcohol, and you get rubbish sleep. Get rubbish sleep, and you’re less likely to want to exercise.

I say it in that order, because for me, reducing my alcohol consumption has been the game changer. I’ve cut back from two bottles of wine over the weekend. Now, I drink no more than two glasses over the weekend – and no more than one per night.

I’m hyper aware of these three things now. To the point where if I have a couple of nights of bad sleep, it’s on my radar to not let this extend to three or four nights. Because if it does, I know I’m at higher risk of a low period setting in.

Be in a positive feedback loop

This has been crucial for me. When I’m feeling good about myself, I’m almost always in a positive feedback loop. It’s really important for me to have regular feedback and evidence that I am good enough and capable.

And that doesn’t mean people actually giving me the feedback (although of course that’s always nice to hear). I get my positive feedback loop from seeing my impact. It reminds me that I am able to solve hard problems, and be useful – often in a way that many other people can’t.

When I’m going through a low period, there isn’t alot of tangible evidence of impact. That means my self doubt is much more likely to set in.

So, how do I influence that?

Well, firstly, I’m super picky about where I work nowadays. I need to be in an environment where I can be successful. That means working on things I am good at. Where there are enough hard problems to solve. And, having the autonomy to make a difference.

And then it’s a matter of being focused, and working on the right things.

A combination of the above usually means I can consistently make an impact, and be in a positive feedback loop.

Surround myself with positive people

This makes a world of difference. I need people around me that have energy and ambition. People who are positive and optimistic. People who are confident and take risks.

These people inspire me, and their personalities rub off on me. I’ve found I’m far less likely to dip when I’m regularly around people like this. I have more confidence.

I have a bunch of people like this both at work, and outside of work nowadays. And I follow a few people online who are great role models for being mentally tough. I listen to the Gary Vaynerchuk podcast almost daily. I follow Jesse Itzler and David Goggins through their Instagram accounts. And I listen to Ben Bergeron’s YouTube channel.

It’s pretty obvious really. If you want to change yourself, it makes sense to surround yourself with people who are more like you want to be.

The above three things have made a massive difference to how I feel about myself. I think about them on a weekly basis.

That said, I have to be realistic. I will still find myself in a period of feeling low from time to time. Here are three strategies I’ve found super useful to manage these low periods:

1. Accept it for what it is

It is what it is. I can do everything I can to avoid a low period, but sometimes I will find myself in one.

You have to be OK with it, and accept it. Every low period I’ve ever had, has always passed. This one will be no different. When you have enough self awareness for where you are, you can start to calmly work your way out of it

2. Reduce the expectations you have for yourself

It just stands to reason. If you’re not on your A game, don’t continue to hold yourself to the same expectations.

I used to try and power through regardless, and I only became more frustrated. Now, I temporarily reduce the expectations I have for myself. I do this across the board – with my work, my family, my health, etc. I scale things back to the minimum. I’m OK with going through the motions for a week or two. Trust me, nothing will fall apart. It’s unlikely that anyone will ever notice that your foot is temporarily off the gas. It all averages out in the end.

The key is to give yourself some space and the right environment to get back on track.

3. Fix what’s off

The strategies that help me to feel good – work so well. So much so, that I usually I find that when I go back to them, one or more of them is obviously off.

I may have neglected to look after myself. Perhaps I lost focus on work, and got distracted working on the wrong things – and I got out of the positive feedback loop. Or, I haven’t had the right people around me enough.

By fixing what’s off, I usually find I get back on track pretty quickly.

And that’s where I’m at right now with everything mindset. I feel for the first time, I’m actually able to keep the low periods to a minimum, and manage myself when I get into one.

From here, I’m going to continue to explore how I can get closer to the likes of the people I surround myself by. That’s the next level.

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A couple of weekends ago, I had the most awesome Sunday roast dinner. I over-indulged, and that was fine – I felt great and I’d earned it.

But, things could have been very different. Let’s rewind back a few hours…

I was pacing the house, with a major self talk situation going on. I had a workout ahead of me, which I knew was going to be hard and feel horrible.

At this point, I hadn’t put my gym gear on yet.

‘Don’t bother’ said my shitty mindset. ‘It’s Sunday, and you’ve had a long, hard week. You deserve a rest. Go lay on the sofa and relax. Maybe even take a nap? Then, hit a workout tomorrow instead. You’ll be fresher and will do even better’

It was so tempting to jump on the sofa. But, instead, I jumped to a different type of self talk:

‘How will I feel at the end of the day, if I skip the workout?’

Pretty crap about myself. I’ll feel like I chose to stagnate, or go a step backwards. I will almost certainly feel guilty about eating a big Sunday roast dinner. I’ll know I took the easy route and let myself down. Also, I know from experience – this feeling will carry through into next week.

‘How will I feel at the end of the day, if I do the workout?’

I will feel disciplined and proud of myself. I’ll feel positive and will have more energy. I’ll feel like I took a decent step forward. And I’ll be able to sit down and enjoy the Sunday roast dinner, without an ounce of guilt.

That was enough for me. Before Mr Shitty mindset could convince me otherwise, on went the shorts and gym shoes. I quickly walked over to the garage (I have a home gym thing going on).

1–nil to me.

OK, So, here’s the plan:

10 rounds (every 2 minutes, on the minute).

• 10 air squats
• 10 push ups
• 5 burpees

Followed by:

5 x 5 minute rounds on the Rogue Echo bike (5 mins rest between each round)

Each 5 minute round, is done in intervals of:

• 45 secs (moderate pace)
• 15 secs (fast pace)

In total, just over an hour of hard conditioning work. I know it will feel horrible. I tell myself:

‘Just put your head down and push through it – get it done.’

I kick off with the 10 rounds of squats, push ups and burpees. By the time I complete the 10 rounds (total of 20 mins), I’m on the floor breathing super hard.

On cue, Mr Shitty mindset shows up again.

‘Now, that was a great workout. You pushed really hard. You can feel proud of that effort. Look, it’s perfectly fine to stop there. I mean, imagine how horrible the bike is going to feel – especially with how you’re feeling now? Sometimes you do that bike workout as a workout of its own! So, it’s completely justified to stop here, and still feel good about what you did. Don’t over do it. Don’t put yourself through another 45 mins of really hard work. It’s going to feel horrible – you know it is.’

Again, another compelling argument. That’s the frustrating thing about Mr Shitty mindset – he can make a good case. I really do hate the feeling of that goddamn bike. I’m so close to wrapping up the workout and calling it a day there.

But, then I think about….

It’ll be a hell of a workout. It’s quite a bit more volume than I usually do. I’ll feel like I tapped into an extra reserve and completed what I’m truly capable of – instead of stopping at the first point of feeling uncomfortable. It’s what David Goggins would do.

‘How will I feel at the end of the day, if I skip the bike workout and finish here?

I’ll kick myself later, because I will know I stopped short of what I was capable of. I’ll feel like I choose to tread water, rather than take a step forward. And, the fact that I lacked the grit to push through the full workout – it will eat away at me for the next few days. Oh, and I won’t enjoy that Sunday dinner as much!

‘How will I feel at the end of the day, if I do the bike workout?’

Before I could think much more about it, I put on Still Dre, and jumped on the bike for the first round.

Phew. 2–nil to me.

I’m on my third round on the bike. This is feeling both horrible and good. If you’ve ever used an air assault bike, you’ll know what I mean.

Oh, Hi, Mr Shitty mindset. I figure you’re going to try and talk me out of rounds 4 and 5 right?

‘Come on, you know I make sense… Look, you ignored me and did the bike anyway. Fine. But, 3 rounds is enough. Let’s stop this nonsense. Why are you putting yourself through this? Feels horrible right? Trust me, rounds 4 and 5 are going to be far worse. Remember when you used to do only 3 rounds of the bike for a whole workout? Now, you’ve done it after the 10 rounds of squats, push ups and burpees. That’s more than enough. You don’t need to do more. You can stop here, and still feel great. Imagine not having to feeling horrible again on that bike?

I was so close to stopping after round 3 on the bike. At some point during round 3, I actually made the decision to stop after the third round. But, I quickly got focused on….

‘How will I feel at the end of the day, if I stop the bike after 3 rounds?

I’ll feel like I quit just before the end. I overcame Mr Shitty mindset talking me out of working out in the first place, and chipping away at getting me to do as little as possible throughout. But, then I will let myself be beaten by him in the last stretch??

‘How will I feel at the end of the day, if I finished 5 rounds of the bike?

On top of the WORLD. I know exactly what it feels to have a super hard workout under my belt, knowing it’s banked. I love that feeling. I’ll have set a new benchmark for what I’m capable of pushing through. And, I’ll be able to relax for the rest of the day and smash that Sunday lunch – guilt free. It’s only 15 mins away. You got this.

And with that, I jump back on the bike for round 4.

3–nil to me.

Mr Shitty mindset doesn’t even try and talk me out of rounds 4 and 5. He knows there’s no point – I have the finish line in sight.

I jump off the bike after round 5, and lay on the floor for a good 5 minutes. What a feeling. I hate working out, but I love working out!

I walk back in the house, shower, and put on some fresh clothes. I feel proud, relaxed and super happy. Next up – get making that Sunday dinner!

As I sit here writing this, it sinks in just how big a part of my life Mr Shitty mindset is. I have multiple conversations with him every day. But, it doesn’t always play out like it did above. He’s pretty good at what he does.

I suspect I’m not alone in this, and that most of us struggle with this type of self talk.

Here are four ways I’ve found useful to beat Mr Shitty mindset:

1. Be conscious that it’s happening

I would guess that at least half the time, this self talk plays a big role in causing us to procrastinate, or take the easy way out.

Half the battle is consciously noticing when this self talk is happening. When you do that, you can choose to take a step back and address it. There’s no special tricks to this. All you have to do is be more mindful and self aware when in these situations.

2. Give it a name

I think of this self talk as being a persona called ‘Mr Shitty mindset’. If you give it a name, it feels like more of a real thing to deal with. It also helps you notice when it shows up.

3. Disrupt the pattern

Sometimes it can be as simple as disrupting what’s going on. Now and again, I’ll find My Shitty mindset shows up and starts questioning my values or goals. This is no exaggeration…. Literally, within a few minutes I can find myself questioning what the point of my job is. Or, why I even bother working out. Or, starting to convince myself that a personal project I’m working on is useless, silly and insignificant etc.

When this happens, I find it useful to disrupt what’s going on. I find something completely different to focus my attention on. Sometimes, all it takes is striking up a conversation with someone. Or, jumping into a task. Whatever it takes to get out of your own head, and focused on something else.

When Mr Shitty mindset shows up, and you notice him, the two questions above really help.

4. Use the two questions

I imagine how I will feel at the end of the day if I give into him, and choose to procrastinate or take the easy way out. And then I think about how I will feel if instead, I choose to do the right ( often hard) thing.

The trick is to then act immediately towards doing the right thing. If you hesitate, he has his hooks into you again. Once you take the first step, you’ve usually won.

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I just finished reading Living with a Seal, and it was SO GOOD. Potentially life changing.

I’ve already sent a few copies to friends, and I’ve recommended it to more than ten people (this is very rare for me).

I’ve drifted away from reading books recently. I’m just so bored with them. I read half as many in 2019, then I did in 2018.

I feel most books should be an essay. In fact, I’m convinced most books become books, because someone wanted to write a book. Either a core idea expanded (usually through repetition) to fit the size of a book. Or too many ideas, and they never really get round to making a succinct point.

Living with a Seal has been sitting on my kindle for a while. And I figured I would give it a shot. I’m glad I did.

Jesse Itzler is a former rapper and highly successful entrepreneur. David Goggins is an accomplished Navy SEAL, world class ultra athlete and overall badass. Jesse hired Goggins to live and train with him for a month.

The only condition? Jesse had to do anything Goggins told him to do.

They ran through snow storms. They ran 4 miles every 4 hours for 48 hours. They did 1,000 burpees in a day (well, Goggins did over 2,000). They jumped into a frozen lake (more than once).

It’s one of those books that doesn’t feel like it’s trying hard to teach you something. But, it’s actually teaching you a ton.

It’s a story about the power of mindset and discipline. The scope of human potential. The importance of learning to live with, and lean into discomfort. How to notice what’s bullshit, and focus on what’s important. And it’s hilarious.

I finished the book yesterday. This morning I got up and I felt different. I felt more capable and in control. My first instinct was definitely not to run 2 miles and do 50 push ups and 50 burpees. But, it sort of crept up on me, so I did exactly that.

It’s also a reminder for me that mindset trumps everything else. A shitty mindset will work directly against you. I struggle with this at times, and it’s a fresh reminder for me to double down in this area.

We can’t all be David Goggins (and we may not want to be). But I have a feeling this book will strike a nerve with you, and push your life into a better direction. It has mine.

Let me know what you think.

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